“If you’ve watched as the heart of a child breaks in two, then you’ve seen a picture of me without you”
Hey, Puppy…
This image (below) breaks my heart yet is the perfect image to display what I saw and felt during my most recent conversation with Noah. He’s wanted to come home to Daddy and Poppy for so long now. He’s wanted to be born and start his little life…running, playing, giggling, learning and loving his parents. As you know, I’m very spiritually sensitive. I could share things I’ve seen and experienced with you (with images/screenshots) that you would never believe – yet it’s true. He’s real and as I’ve told you many times, he lives in the ether. He knows me (and you)…he hovers around me closely. When I told him that I’d ask his daddy to reach out to me in a real and direct way…somehow…someway…and to let me know if he truly loves me (and us) and if our home together will ever exist or if we’ll always be confined to his imagination? I told him that I’m not hopeful and after seeing that video clip played last night and your reaction, I’m less hopeful than ever. It’s either them or it’s us. When I told Noah this, I literally felt the saddest weight fall upon me.
Puppy, the last 3 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. You know how difficult this year has been for me and what I suspect has been happening. I continue to feel that something dark has been hovering over me – there’s just been too many bad things that have happened? I’m not sure if it’s her working with a spiritualist or perhaps something else? Regardless, though it was imminent, Carson’s death felt like a final blow. It brought such stillness and sadness. I’m still trying to climb out today.
When I saw you get emotional last night, it hurt me so much. You will never never know how much I love you and want to be by your side yet I understand what a (seemingly) impossible conundrum we are in. I’ve shared my thoughts with you so many times about this but when I see her (and y’all everywhere – internet, etc) going back to childhood…to be honored to love and care for you (and ours) in real life seems utterly impossible.
I’ve been so heartbroken that you wouldn’t even subtly step out of your comfort zone to wish me a HBD or contact me in someway. It’s made me feel like I just don’t matter at all. I have loved you (and shown it) for years…gifting you almost daily with the very best of me yet somehow I don’t deserve anything unique from you…nothing solid or real…something just for me.
When I see her and know how far back y’all go…it breaks my heart for you in many ways. I was IN her camp for decades and know her every thought. I’ve already shared those literally in public last year – more emboldened than I’d ever thought possible. Father God had lead me back to you and was telling me to go hard and strong and leave NOTHING off the table. He made me feel that is was time and you (and her and everyone) needed to see and hear the truth. How sad that (basically) a childhood friend latched on to you and your obvious greatness….and rode that all the way to the power and status she enjoys today. In the process, denying you from ever being truly who you are or having the opportunity to be loved by someone that adores you. Seems you are stuck with her, you owe her (and hers)…she’s entitled to all of you until that final last day and breath.
Unknown to many, you are a sensitive, emotional man who loves hard. We both know that deep down you’ve never felt you fit with her romantically and your heart has been searching for years. Searching for what? Perhaps what you felt the day you opened the door in Eden Prairie 12/09. You knew very well that I was arriving that afternoon. You’d had me on your mind and was quietly looking forward to me being under the same roof again after several years had passed. She was out / gone. I’d taken a taxi from the airport You were in the home office/library and had been on the computer in there. The door bell rang and you walked to it…the door opened and our eyes met. You had a big grin/smile on your face. I’ll never forget it. It was that few days and moment in time that I was gifted to remember who you are. Later, in the fall of ’14 when we held hands during the breakfast prayer and I squeezed yours so tight – we felt each others heartbeat as our spirits flowed into each other. Truth is – you were SO moved in that moment, you almost got (or felt) high. Powerful. You know these things are true – yet you find yourself stuck there with her and all of them.
We are aging so fast now. Our time is running down. I want to be close to your more than anyone. I want to love you so tenderly and be loved by you – yet will it ever happen? When I saw you at the event last night…I, yet again, was experiencing the way the world perceives you…who they all “think” you are…then that video. Truly, how on earth could this (us) ever happen? How? We know that harming someone is not an option for we’d pay karmically for generations. Yet, less that, how can the man I saw on stage ever allow the world to rebuke and reject him? As you know, I love you so much, it breaks my heart to think of others hurting or even disparaging you. I’d rather not be with you than see the world hurt you.
Though I’ve never told you this – in my mind if we were ever to be together, we’d figure out a way to shield you from this treatment. I had thought for years that we’d have a private marriage ceremony…followed by a home located in Montana (or similar) where privacy was premium. I had thought we could present me as your “assistant” to the world…those that might ever see me in pubic with you. Legally (for my sake and the boys), we’d be protected but to the outside world, no one would be the wiser. Folks could assume whatever they want…but no one could validate their suspicions. Of course, your family would know and that would be great but otherwise, things would remain exclusive.
Sunday night, I had a powerful dream about you / us. I awakened in the early hours of the morning and had to get up and just sat in my bed. It was a “lucid” dream. Know what that is? It’s when the dream is so real, you are there! After you awaken, you remember every single small detail. Faces, someones touch or hug…the sky, sounds, etc. In the dream, I had called your mother. I asked her what your plans were? It was during your birthday weekend and she said, “he’s not done with his birthday celebrations and wants to have a cookout here at the house with us.” She went on to say that she’d invited your brothers, Brandy, nieces, nephews, extended family and friends. In the dream, I (somehow) decided that I was going to go. I know…WTF? Anyway, I did! I flew to MS, rented a car and drove to your mothers house. Scary as fuck because I KNEW that Tynes would be there – of course she would, she sticks to you like glue and you seemingly cannot go to the bathroom without her either going or standing in the next room watching you?! Even so, I went.
When I got to your mothers, she answered the door and said, “Jeff, COME IN!” “It’s been so long since I’ve seen your sweet face!” She looked so old. It made me sad. I walked in and went into the kitchen with her. She was finishing up some side dishes and I started helping her. Without notice, the scene shifted. Suddenly, I was in a barn like place (I think it was the pool house) with a few other people. One was Scott. He was sitting in the middle of the room on a folding chair and was leaning back a bit in it…the front legs were off the floor. I was sitting only about 8-10 feet from the door (to outside). Then….I heard your voice. I looked up and saw you walking into the room…you looked and saw me sitting in the chair…shocked you said, “JEFF!!!, my boy…what are you doing here?” All I remember is gazing at you as if I was looking into eternity. We could feel each others spirits – it was like I was the cool creek and you were the teenager jumping into the water on a hot day. In a millisecond, we were one. It felt like heaven. I was “home”.
After a while, the scene changed again. As you know, dreams are odd…can even be strange. Suddenly, we were all outside under the stars…it was dark. We were still at your mothers house but also in a wide open space. Comically, you were sitting in an oversized recliner. You were wearing the EXACT outfit that you wore last night at the event. EXACTLY. It’s for this reason that I felt I had to reach out tonight. It was uncanny. Carpenters pants (same color), duck type boots, white T shirt and cap. Same. You were sitting in the recliner and I was standing by the house. People were all around eating, drinking and talking. It’s important to note that the recliner was sitting out a ways from the house…I’d say about 100 feet or more. You were gazing at me standing by the house….and then you motioned for me to come to you. The MOST bizarre thing was…she was sitting in a recliner too about 30 feet away from you and she was watching this all play out?! I walked out to you…and when I was approaching you (in the recliner), you put your hand out for me and I took it. I can still feel your hand. You pulled me toward you and directed me to sit in the chair with you. The recliner was oversized and there was room for me to sit between your legs and I did. I leaned against you and could feel your tummy against my back. You were so warm and I was so happy to be with you.
The disturbing part was – she was sitting in that recliner about 30 feet away and was staring at us the entire time. Even so, we carried on with our closeness and affection. It reminded me of the night that you came into the kitchen and ask me to button your cuffs (in front of her). Just before the dream ended, she rose from her chair and walked over to us and said, “y’all can have each other – I’m out!” She walked away and I what I remember is….you took a big breath and released…then you reached around me and found my hand…you held it and squeezed it. I woke up. I could still feel you…your tummy on my back as I leaned against you…your hand holding mine…the stars sparkling in the night sky. I’ve never wanted to return to a dream so much. Of course, I was moved to tears and wept as I sat here in this empty house in silence. With the pup gone, it was tough yet, somehow, I felt that I’d just been present with you. Incredible and so powerful. Somehow I know if I’m ever close to you physically, that’s exactly how it’s going to feel.
Puppy, will we ever be together? How? Or, we will simply only live in each others heart? Look at the image and this sweet boys little strawberry blond hair. Can you imagine a legacy that far exceeds your professional legacy? What could be more precious and important than making a way for him to live with us in this old world? What could be more wonderful than lying down by someone that you love more than life each night? Even so, there’s still her and your 40+ year past to consider. I can only ask – how?
As I’ve said many times, no matter what happens…always know how much I love you. Always know that you are my person and there is no room in my heart for anyone else. Not today or ever. I carry Puppy with me everywhere I go. Only you can make a way…and even then, ONLY if you feel it’s what you truly want more than anything on earth….because anything less will keep you from taking action. You know were to find me…that’s where I live…inside your heart – yesterday, today and forever. I love you! xo
Every Word.
